ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
🙀🙀🙀😹
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.