My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.