I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️