They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
sir, my pâté if you please
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.