“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
✌🏽
Word!
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger