[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…