This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
You Might Also Like
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
A choir of Spring onions
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart