In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*