I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.