Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: