[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.