I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
spicy snake
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
time machine? you mean a clock?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…