asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too