“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.