I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.