I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
also my go-to takeaway order