America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?