*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.