familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
This is hilarious….
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??