I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
This headline is a thing of beauty
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.