me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
an octopus is just a wet spider
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.