“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.