Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
There’s only one good girl here!
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
hmm conte-me mais
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*