I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You Might Also Like
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.