due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
🤣🤣🤣
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.