Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The old gods are rising again.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”