The 4 stages of a family vacation
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I just tested negative for patience.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.