*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.