him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.