Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Its true…
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*