You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
The Sun’s probably Asian.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.