6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space