Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.