Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
whenever i wake up before my alarm
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I enjoy a good short stor
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.