My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Pringles
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though