grotesque if literal: baby food
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.