Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.