When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby