Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.