[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
You Might Also Like
This forever.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats