Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.