My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
remember
only for emergencies
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.