Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.