DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
You Might Also Like
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I mean…but I did
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.