Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.