You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges