Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
You Might Also Like
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this