It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Was it something I said?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”