Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
You Might Also Like
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84