I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Don’t we all.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?